Facebook Status Translator

               
Facebook can be a wonderful tool. It’s good for reconnecting with old friends and organizing social events. Sadly, Facebook also has a dark, dark underbelly that could deflower your innocent mind if you are not careful. Due to spending an unhealthy amount of time reading Facebook statuses, I have been able to develop an accurate translation for what Facebook statuses actually mean.
Enjoy.

What TV Commercials Teach Us About Men and Women

TV commercials are 30 second windows into the minds of complete insanity. They look like real life, with real people and real products, but they almost never reflect anything you have ever experienced. Or do they? The best way to tell is to take some of their basic tenets and see how accurate they are. And the most basic thing of all? Paris Hilton. But slightly more advanced, the differences between men and women.
For the most part, commercials are actually gender neutral. McDonalds isn’t a man’s product, neither is Coke or Subaru. But there are some commercials that must necessarily target only men or only women. Like tampons or Viagra, they have a specific audience. So let’s have a look see at the people they’re selling to, according to their own commercials. OMG you guys, it’ll be totally fun.

The 9 Stupidest Things Americans Believe

Obama's A Muslim

According to the Pew Research Center, 18% of Americans believe Obama is a Muslim. Most likely, the same people also hate Muslims. Put it together, and there's a chance that one in five

Americans hate our President because of his supposed religion.

 

 

 

 

 

How the Elderly Understand the Internet

Your parents and grandparents are probably online now and that’s terrifying. Not because they might add you to Facebook or keep emailing you the same message because if they forward it to 10 friends they’ll get a free baked potato at Applebee’s but because they have little to no concept of what they’re doing or how.

Let’s Celebrate The 137 Kentucky Derby With Some Obscene Horse Names

Tomorrow is the 137^th Kentucky Derby, an event where tiny little men beat horses with rods to make them run in a circle as women wearing silly hats use the event as an excuse to get wasted off of mint juleps.

As everyone knows, there is a long tradition of horse owners of giving their horses strange, quirky names that make them stand out from the pack, even if the horse has no chance of standing out from the pack once the race begins. The Jockey Club, an organization that pretty much rules the land when it comes to all things horse racing, is the keeper of a tome called the American Stub Book. While the book sounds like it’s loading with nothing but the finest turn-of-the-century homosexual erotica, it is actually the book that every professionally raced horse gets its name written in to. Also, every name of every horse in the book must be approved before it makes it in.

Odd Things That British Royalty is Not Allowed To Do.

Royal Family ‘not allowed to play Monopoly’

The Duke of York has given an insight into the Royal Family’s home life, admitting they are not allowed to play Monopoly.

The Duke was visiting Leeds Building Society’s newly-refurbished Albion Street headquarters for a lunch to mark its revamp following the decision to keep its base in the centre of Leeds.
When Prince Andrew was presented with the property board game to mark his visit, he remarked: “We’re not allowed to play Monopoly at home. It gets too vicious.

5 Ways Obama Can Spin the Death of Osama bin Laden into Kick Ass Approval Ratings

If you went to bed early last night you might have missed the news from president Obama that some kick ass American spy-types totally whacked Osama bin Laden. 10 years after that magnificent asshat staged the September 11th attacks, we finally got hi. Go ahead and high five someone, we’ll wait.
The White House was mobbed by cheering crowds singing the National Anthem, people surged into Times Square to celebrate and President Barack Obama, at about 11:30, addressed the nation to let us know he ordered a team of anonymous but no-less awesome special forces guys to take bin Laden out. And they did.
Obama is now riding high on a wave of kick ass results, results we’ve been waiting nearly a decade for. He can’t rest of his laurels here though, oh no. He needs to take this high and go higher. We came up with a few ways he can work this already awesome news into even greater approval for himself and his Presidency. Take heed, Obama, were trying to help you out.

6 Problems We’ve Found On Barack Obama’s Birth Certificate

President Barack Obama shocked birthers today by releasing his official long-form birth certificate in an attempt to silence those that believe, due to the murky circumstances surrounding his birth, that he was not a born in the United States, and therefore was an invalid presidential candidate.
While many critics must now wipe the egg from their face, we at Holy Taco are not prepared to remove those chunks of Denver omelet from our scraggly facial hair. Instead, we’re going to forge a path onward toward this egg metaphor and we will smash through the shell of lies and spill forth the yolk of truth.
We took “President” Obama’s birth certificate to our resident Holy Taco forensic scientists and had them examine every millimeter of the document. The evidence of forgery they found is pretty damning.
Their report is below, along with the long-form certificate itself.

How to Celebrate Easter

It’s one Holy heck of a weekend for Christians, what with today being Good Friday and all.  Not sure how to commemorate the occasion?  Best to check with the man himself.

7 Ridiculous Laws Against Women

On November 17th, the Paycheck Fairness Act went to the Senate for vote. The bill would have provided “improvement and modifications” to the Equal Pay Act of 1963. President Obama called it a common sense bill. Nonetheless, it failed to pass due to an overwhelming surge of Republican opposition. Democrats voted 56:1 in favor, while Republicans went 1:40 against it.

How To Know Oprah Is Working For The Devil In Five Easy Clues

Yeah, I know – admitting you don’t like Oprah is tantamount to admitting you don’t like puppies and that you really really love Heidi and Spencer, but I am here to break the silence of the few, the proud, the Oprah haters.

And here’s why – it’s not because Oprah pretends to care about people while bathing in La Mer face cream or because she pretends to read. It is because Oprah is in league with the devil.

No one can have the kind of money and power that she has and not have made a fiendish pact. Now, I know you’re thinking this can’t possibly be true, please please say it’s not true, but sadly, I’m here to tell you it is and here’s how I know.