TV commercials are 30 second windows into the minds of complete insanity. They look like real life, with real people and real products, but they almost never reflect anything you have ever experienced. Or do they? The best way to tell is to take some of their basic tenets and see how accurate they are. And the most basic thing of all? Paris Hilton. But slightly more advanced, the differences between men and women.
For the most part, commercials are actually gender neutral. McDonalds isn’t a man’s product, neither is Coke or Subaru. But there are some commercials that must necessarily target only men or only women. Like tampons or Viagra, they have a specific audience. So let’s have a look see at the people they’re selling to, according to their own commercials. OMG you guys, it’ll be totally fun.
Women as told by Vagisil
You’re a lady on the go. You wear pants (sometimes) and you work and you are not pregnant 9 months out of every given year between the ages of 14 and 45. You’re a woman of today! But watch out! Like hobos begging for change, vultures diving for carrion and goblins stealing babies at the behest of David Bowie, your vagina can spring on you at the drop of a hat. One second you’re window shopping and the next second the whole thing spoils like milk in the sun. You’re confused, upset and unsure about yourself. Did you just walk through a dumpster full of dead mafia informants? No. Your vagina went bad. Real bad. In public. GULP!
Thank God for Vagisil, woman of today, because you don’t need to dress like a drunken Lindsay Lohan to try to hide your shame downwind of people. Now you can simply wipe away your problems without digging away like a stinky raccoon in a trash heap. Now it’s time to get back to shopping, because ladies love to shop when they don’t stink!
Men According to Viagra
Hey there, guy who is flaccid. Rough go of things, huh? Yeah. Technically you barely have a reason to live. But check this out, our pill can give you a boner. Yeah, you heard right.
Now you can listen to a song by Queen without even a hint of irony, because your penis works again. Previously you were, and we’re not being mean here, just honest, a loser. Now you can celebrate conquering your partners’ various sexual orifices like a Sherpa-less adventurer finally mastering Everest. You did it, good buddy. You humped. Go on, run through the neighborhood in celebrating. Boners are kind of like winning the lottery, enjoy that feeling of elation. Enjoy knowing you’ve chemically tricked your penis into not releasing the chemical agent that allows blood to flow out of an erect penis again. Your life has purpose again. You have joy again. You have a boner.
Women According to Tampons
Women menstruate. They started it when they got the vote, it’s symbolic or something. But it’s also nature’s way of saying “Vote for this, sucker!” and then causing them to ruin pants while they do calisthenics. So women are constantly battling their insides in an effort to be the champion of menstruation.
Never listen to anyone who claims that menstruation is natural. It’s natural in the way sharks and ball lightning are natural. Natural but adversarial and dangerous! They must all be handled in the same way. So just as you would staunch a shark with a feminine hygiene pad, so would you do the same with your menstruation. Then you’re free to play tennis, or drop kick enemies or cartwheel up the stairs of the Sears Tower, or whatever they call it these days. You, lady, have spat in the face of your own biology, just as you always knew you were destined to do. You can now compete against world class athletes. And probably you can alter laws of physics if you focus hard enough.
Men as Told by Just for Men
You have about 15 good years of life in you, between the ages of 15 and 30. After that, you suck. Oh my God do you suck. Look how pathetically old you are. Why are you taxing Medicaid so heavily you decrepit sack of human effluence?
If you answer the door and you’re as old as you look, you may as well give that woman your wallet and banking info, the keys to your car and all your possessions save the one bullet you’re going to need to make the world better for the rest of us. Unless…
Unless you can deceive her into thinking your testicles are full of more than just dust and sadness. Better do anything, and we mean anything, to pull that off. Jump out your window and dye your hair. Do it! Do it before she finds out what you really are you godforsaken hill troll of a man. Do it and then…do her. Your hair is like her Viagra. Your lustrous, colorful, not-old hair.
