5 Ways Obama Can Spin the Death of Osama bin Laden into Kick Ass Approval Ratings

If you went to bed early last night you might have missed the news from president Obama that some kick ass American spy-types totally whacked Osama bin Laden. 10 years after that magnificent asshat staged the September 11th attacks, we finally got hi. Go ahead and high five someone, we’ll wait.
The White House was mobbed by cheering crowds singing the National Anthem, people surged into Times Square to celebrate and President Barack Obama, at about 11:30, addressed the nation to let us know he ordered a team of anonymous but no-less awesome special forces guys to take bin Laden out. And they did.
Obama is now riding high on a wave of kick ass results, results we’ve been waiting nearly a decade for. He can’t rest of his laurels here though, oh no. He needs to take this high and go higher. We came up with a few ways he can work this already awesome news into even greater approval for himself and his Presidency. Take heed, Obama, were trying to help you out.


1 – Did it With his Bare Hands

Obama’s speech in which he credited some special forces types with the death of bin Laden was pretty late at night, he could say his mic was wonky or that we were all probably sleepy and misheard him when what he really said was that, earlier today, he flew with a team of covert operatives to Pakistan and, decked out in some kick ass body armor so as to be safe, he catapulted through a window, drop kicked bin Laden across the room, then beat him to death with a bust of Cat Stevens that was on bin Laden’s office desk.
2 – Body Will be Stuffed and Put on Display at 6 Flags

It’s all well and good to say the man is dead but anyone can tell you things just seem more real when you can be there physically to see it and touch it. Like sex, just seeing it on TV may be good for rubbing out a quick one, but it’s more satisfying in person. So the carcass of bin Laden can start a tour of the US where it will ride the rollercoasters and maybe be carried around by guys in bulky, sweaty costumes for families to have their pictures taken with. For a fun cowboy memory, pull out your six shooters while bin Laden puts on a weathered old Stetson.
3 – For Every bin Laden Killed, Americans Get a Free Baked Potato at Applebees

Now, for a limited, come in to Applebee’s after the President has killed any bin Laden and your entire party gets a free baked potato!*

*Free baked potato with purchase of an appetizer. Baked potato for dine in only and must be finished during your visit. Sour cream extra. No substitutions. No sharing.

4 – In the Yard of bin Laden’s Mansion, 2 Billion Drums of Oil. Finders Keepers!

US Special Forces entered the grounds of the mansion shortly after nightfall. A brief firefight ensued and it was confirmed Osama bin Laden died as a result of a bullet wound to the head. Shortly thereafter while clearing the grounds, US Forces located a shed in the yard behind the mansion which contained a metric f*ckton of oil drums. So this summer, let’s just say we’ll cut gas prices in half. Sound cool?
5 – The One Millionth Twitter Joke About Osama wins a 2012 Dodge Caravan

Social Media spread the word of this momentous occasion like wildfire well before the official announcement even took place. And within seconds, Twitter became a moshpit of comedians and would-be comedians attempting to one up each other with more and more jokes about Osama, Obama, Donald Trump, the TSA and the partiers outside the White House. In honor of social media and its incredible ability to unite us and share information, the one millionth Twitter joke on the subject will win its writer a fabulous 2012 Dodge Caravan courtesy of the White House. There will be a case of Bud in the back.