Yeah, I know – admitting you don’t like Oprah is tantamount to admitting you don’t like puppies and that you really really love Heidi and Spencer, but I am here to break the silence of the few, the proud, the Oprah haters.
And here’s why – it’s not because Oprah pretends to care about people while bathing in La Mer face cream or because she pretends to read. It is because Oprah is in league with the devil.
No one can have the kind of money and power that she has and not have made a fiendish pact. Now, I know you’re thinking this can’t possibly be true, please please say it’s not true, but sadly, I’m here to tell you it is and here’s how I know.
1. Oprah is on every cover of her own magazine. Is this something that a normal, everyday human would do? Could do? No – it could only be accomplished with help from the Horned One. What mere mortal could perform such a Herculean task? There is none that could do it. Oprah does this to ensure her face is always, every month, staring at you while you wait in line to buy your groceries and judging you for getting regular Stouffer’s meals instead of Lean Cuisine. She’s watching you.
2. Oprah created Dr. Phil. Think about it – who else could have given a show to a man who calls himself a doctor but has had no medical training and make him into the most popular advice-giver in America? Do you think Dr. Phil naturally looks that way?! Clearly the half-bald head and mustache are the work of Beelzebub and his minion.
3. She has all that money and has not spent it on shoes. Women were not created with the ability to resist buying a pair of shoes if they can possibly afford them even fifteen years down the road. Oprah could literally afford to buy every pair of shoes in the world, and yet she hasn’t. What could possibly explain this? Where could she get that kind of willpower from? I’ll tell you where – FROM HELL!!! Only the big bad guy himself could influence a woman to do something so opposed to her natural inclination.
4. Her weight is inversely proportional to her evilness. I don’t know what this proves, but I have noticed that the fatter Oprah is, the nicer she is, which leads me to believe that the skinnier she is, the more evil she is, and at those times she is spending more of her time with the devil. Plus when she’s fatter she doesn’t have time in between the eating to get much evil accomplished.
5. Because of her influence, Tyra Banks started her own talk show. Now, you tell me that is not evil. Just try. No one will ever believe you.
wrote by: Samantha
